Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female. Desmond Morris. Communism is like prohibition, it's a good idea but it won't work.Will Rogers Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.Woody Allen It's not true I had nothing on. I had the radio on.Marilyn MonroeOn posing nude for a calendar photograph. Those who can do, those who can't teach. George Bernard Shaw Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.Marilyn vos Savant I have been commissioned to write an autobiography and I would be grateful to any of your readers who could tell me what I was doing between 1960 and 1974.Jeffrey Bernard. Electricity is really just organized lightning.George Carlin The most terrifying words in the English langauge are: I'm from the government and I'm here to help. Ronald Reagan. I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph. Shirley Temple. Older people shouldn't eat health food, they need all the preservatives they can get.Robert Orben Always do right - this will gratify some and astonish the rest.Mark Twain Submitted by Katherine JonesYou are the blur in my eyes (: ! So move I dont wanna go blind Which painting in the National Gallery would I save if there was a fire? The one nearest the door of course.George Bernard Shaw. Being in a band you can wear whatever you want - it's like an excuse for Halloween everyday. Gwen Stefani. You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label. Mark Twain I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.Woody Allen I don't think sex could ever be as rewarding as winning the World Cup. It's not that sex is not great; just that the World Cup is only every four years and sex is a lot more regular than that.Ronaldo Inanimate objects can be classified scientifically into three major categories; those that don't work, those that break down and those that get lost. Russell Baker. There is only one difference between a madman and me. The madman thinks he is sane. I know I am mad.Salvador Dali Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers. Author. Debugging is twice as hard as writing the code in the first place. Therefore, if you write the code as cleverly as possible, you are, by definition, not smart enough to debug it.Brian W. Kernighan Software Engineering is that part of Computer Science which is too difficult for the Computer Scientist.F. L. Bauer For three days after death, hair and fingernails continue to grow but phone calls taper off. Johnny Carson. Male menopause is a lot more fun than female menopause. With female menopause you gain weight and get hot flashes. Male menopause - you get to date young girls and drive motorcycles.Rita Rudner I'd rather be pissed off than pissed on. Once you've put one of his books down, you simply can't pick it up again.Mark Twain. Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady; but a newspaper can always print a retraction.Adlai Stevenson. If at first you don't succeed, try, try again. Then give up. There's no sense being a damn fool about it.W. C. Fields Every man over forty is a scoundrel.George Bernard Shaw My mother loved children - she would have given anything if I had been one.Groucho Marx Sex alleviates tension. Love causes it.Woody Allen Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopherAmbrose Bierce. California is a fine place to live - if you happen to be an orange.Fred Allen I exercise extreme self-control. I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.W. C. Fields Of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most.Mark Twain The most likely way for the world to be destroyed, most experts agree, is by accident. That's where we come in; we're computer professionals. We cause accidents. Nathaniel Borenstein. I spent a year in that town, one Sunday.George Burns I often take exercise. Why only yesterday I had breakfast in bed.Oscar Wilde I like children - fried.W. C. Fields I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.Robert Benchley Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.Marilyn vos Savant A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you.B.L. Taylor. You're only as good as your last haircut.Fran Lebowitz You go to your TV to turn your brain off. You go to the computer when you want to turn your brain on.Steve Jobs When I was born my mother was terribly disappointed. Not that she wanted a girl - she wanted a divorce.Woody Allen Corruption is nature's way of restoring our faith in democracy. Peter Ustinov. My reputation grows with every failure.Bernard Shaw The only difference between doctors and lawyers is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you, too.Anton Chekhov Never have more children than you have car windows.Erma Bombeck There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?Woody Allen Critics are like eunuchs in a harem; they know how it's done, they've seen it done every day, but they're unable to do it themselves.Brendan Behan Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest. Larry Lorenzoni. Honesty is the best policy - when there is money in it.Mark Twain There are three stages of man: he believes in Santa Claus; he does not believe in Santa Claus; he is Santa Claus.Bob Phillips My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where the hell she is.Ellen DeGeneres The truth is that men are tired of liberty.Benito Mussolini. Do not worry about your problems with mathematics, I assure you mine are far greater. Albert Einstein Television: A medium. So called because it's neither rare nor well done.Ernie Kovacs. Never raise your hand to your children - it leaves your midsection unprotected.Robert Orben Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. USA Today has come out with a new survey: Apparently three out of four people make up 75 percent of the population.David Letterman. Put the key of despair into the lock of apathy. Turn the knob of mediocrity slowly and open the gates of despondency - welcome to a day in the average office.David Brent Part of the inhumanity of the computer is that, once it is competently programmed and working smoothly, it is completely honest.Isaac Asimov England and America are two countries divided by a common language. George Bernard Shaw Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home. Carol Nelson. Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country. Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC. The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet.Oliver Herford. Democracy means simply the bludgeoning of the people by the people for the people. Oscar Wilde Never floss with a stranger.Joan Rivers Every journalist has a novel in him, which is an excellent place for it.Russel Lynes Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.Bill Cosby Bart, stop pestering Satan!Marge Simpson A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck.Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams It's been so long since I've had sex I've forgotten who ties up whom.Joan Rivers If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in. Bradley's Bromide. Always forgive your enemies. Nothing annoys them so much.Oscar Wilde Keyboard not found. Press < F1 > to RESUME. Source unknown (appears in many common BIOSes as a real error message) It's not the people who are in prison worry me. It's the people who aren't.Arthur Gore Moving from Wales to Italy is like moving to a different country. Ian Rush. Contraceptives should be used on every conceivable occasion.Spike Milligan Some men are born mediocre, some men achieve mediocrity, and some men have mediocrity thrust upon them.Joseph HellerIn Catch-22. My name is Saddam Hussein. I am the president of Iraq, and I want to negotiate.Saddam HusseinTo US troops who captured him in a hole in the ground near Tikrit. It's not that you and I are so clever, but that the others are such fools. 驾驶员之家 F驾驶证能开什么车A good sermon should have a good beginning and a good ending, and they should be as close together as possible.George Burns I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.George Carlin There we were in the middle of a sexual revolution wearing clothes that guaranteed we wouldn't get laid!Denis Leary It's hard for me to get used to these changing times. I can remember when the air was clean and sex was dirty.George Burns You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'Tommy Cooper Hi vibrato sounded like he was driving a tractor over a ploughed field with weights tied to his scrotum.Spike Milligan You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle aged woman: Stuff you pay good money for in later life.Emo Philips The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.George Carlin I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.Steven Wright I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.Steven Wright It's strange, isn't it. You stand in the middle of a library and go aaaaagghhhh' and everyone just stares at you. But you do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.Tommy Cooper Oh, I could spend my life having this conversation - look - please try to understand before one of us dies.John Cleese Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.Tommy Cooper No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.Groucho Marx Too bad that all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair.George Burns 。