Romantic RelationshipsThe need for relationshipsMyths and factsSuccessful relationshipsAttracting loveOverviewThe Need for RelationshipsExtremely happy people(Diener&Seligman,2002)Know thyselfLasagna principle revisitedExtraversion and introversion(Little,1993)Intimate relationships“There are few stronger predictions of happiness than a close,nurturing,equitable,intimate,lifelong companionship with ones best friend.”David MyersRomantic Relationship IsPhysical intimacyMutual respect and admirationDeep friendshipSpiritual connection(soul mates)EqualityIntimacy,passion,commitment(Sternberg,1988)“An intimate physical-spiritual-emotional attachment between two people;a deep friendship with a passion.”MythsandFactsSelf-Sacrifice Versus Self-InterestThe case of teachingSacrifice as lose-loseSelf-Sacrifice Versus Self-InterestThe case of teachingSacrifice as lose-loseEven more so in loveThe need for perceived equity(Hatfield,1993)Compromise and standing by ones partnerLove expands the self“This is the great complement of love:that our self-interest expands to encompass our partner.”Nathaniel BrandenWin-winFiction Versus RealityDoes true love(really)exist?Fiction Versus RealityDoes true love(really)exist?“Perfect love is rare indeedfor to be a lover will require that you continually have the subtlety of the very wise,the flexibility of the child,the sensitivity of the artist,the understanding of the philosopher,the acceptance of the saint,the tolerance of the scholar and the fortitude of the certain.”Leo BuscagliaPerfect love does not existTrue love does existLove Wanes Versus Love GrowsLust of love?Who is the fairest of them all?(Grayson,Hazle,Lareau,Mahone,Sepah&Smith,2004)Love Wanes Versus Love GrowsLust of love?Novelty produces heightened arousal(Mook,1987)Exotic becomes erotic(Bem,1996)From passionate/consummate to companionate(Sternberg,1988).Bad news?Sex life can improve over timeLove can grow over time“Cellulite and sexual potential are highly correlated.”David SchnarchFinding Versus CultivatingMovies end where love beginsLiving happily ever is the difficult partThe one right person theoryCultivating the one chosen relationshipConflict Free Versus Some Conflict Is HealthyNo one right relationships(Gottman,2000)5:1 positivity ratioConflict immunizes“Accentuate the positive;dont eliminate the negative”(Gottman,2000)Demonstrate interestShow affection(touch,smile,flowers)Pay compliments“I can live for two months on a good compliment.”Mark TwainDemonstrate empathyMake loveTranscending Reason Versus Reason and Emotion“The heart has its reasons of which reason knows not.”Blaise PascalThe need for reason“There are many people who are heavily invested in the belief that love is inherently mysterious and mocks all efforts at rational understanding.Such people may even believe that understanding kills romantic love.This is tantamount to saying that consciousness kills.The exact opposite is true.Unconsciousness kills.Ignorance kills.Blindness kills.If we cannot deepen our grasp of at least some of the essentials needed for the success of romantic love,then there is nothing waiting ahead but more centuries of the same suffering between man and woman that we have behind us.”Nathaniel BrandenSame-sex couples(Otis,et al.2006)Successful RelationshipsState of affairsTip of the stem“At first,when I figured out how to predict divorce,I thought I had found the key to saving marriages.But like so many experts before me,I was wrong.I was not able to crack the code to saving marriages until I started to analyze what went right in happy marriages.”John GottmanBeing Together By Doing TogetherSuperordinate goal(Sherif,1958)Mutually meaningful goals“In the strongest marriages,husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning.They dont just get alongthey also support each others hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.”John GottmanActive loveGetting to Know One AnotherStudy your partnerCreate love mapsBeing known rather than being validated(Schnarch,1997)Intimacy as key to long term passionExpress,not impressSharePositive PerceptionMerit findingPositive illusions(Murray,1997)?A self-fulfilling prophecy(seeing the potential)“Not only does love perceive potentialities but it also actualizes them.”Abraham MaslowPositive PerceptionRefocusing on the positiveI fell in love with my partner becauseThe wonderful things about my partner areThings I remember fondly about our past are“The greatest good you can do for another is not just to share your riches,but to reveal to him his own.”Benjamin Disraeli“To see things in the seed,that is genius.”Lao TzuThe number one predictor of marital successAcceptance and RespectCognitive or affective conflictConflict in gay couples(Gottman,2001)More positive,using humor and affectionNot taking negativity personallyCalm down and soothe one anotherChallenging behavior,not person“When you must repremand your child,do so in a loving manner.Dont ever try to degrade or humiliate him.His ego is a precious thing worth preserving.Try saying:I love you very much but I will not have the kind of behavior.Do you know why I wont tolerate that?Simply because you are too bright to behave that way.”Marva CollinsAcceptance and RespectCognitive or affective conflictChallenging behavior,not personP:“You are so inconsiderate”B:“Do you mind putting down the toilet seat when youre done?”P:“You are such a slob;you promised to throw away the garbage;I cant trust you.”B:“It upsets me to return to a dirty home,after we agreed that you would throw away the garbage.”Acceptance and RespectCognitive or affective conflictChallenging behavior,not personAvoiding hostility,insults,contemptKeeping disputes privateThe Titanium Rule“Do not do unto those close to you what you would not have done unto others(whore not so close to you).”Deep FriendshipLove is in the detailsExtraordinary by focusing on the ordinary“At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship.By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each others company.These couples tend to know each other intimatelythey are well versed in each others likes,dislikes,personality quirks,hopes,and dreams.They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways,but in little ways day in and day out.”John GottmanAttracting LoveBelieve in LoveBeliefs are self-fulfilling propheciesOpening up to opportunities(Wiseman,2003)“Lucky people create,notice,and act upon the chance opportunities in their lives.”Richard WisemanThrowing the knapsack(words create worlds)“The moment one definitely commits oneself,then providence moves too.All sorts of things occur to help one that would not otherwise have occurred.”W.H.MurrayCultivate Self LoveThe Golden Rule“The Tibetan term for caring or compassion,tsewa,includes both self and others.”Dalai Lama“To say I love you one must know first how to say the I”Ayn RandSelf verification theory(Swann,1983)Cultivate Self LoveDont wait!“The first love affair we must consummate successfully is the love affair with ourselves.To enjoy our own being,to be happy in a profound sense with who we are,to experience the self as worthy of being valued and loved by othersthis is the first requirement for the growth of romantic love.”Nathaniel BrandenCourageLearn to fail or fail to learnIntegrity(be yourself)Just do it“Courage is not about not having fear;it is about having fear and going ahead anyway.”Bem,D.J.(1996).Exotic Becomes Erotic:A Developmental Theory of Sexual Orientation.Psychological Review,103(2),320-335)Branden,N.(1985).The Psychology of Romantic Love.Bantam Fraley,R.C.&Shaver,P.R.(2000).Adult Romantic Attachment:Theoretical Developments,Emerging Controversies,and Unanswered Questions.Review of General Psychology,4(2),132-154.Gottman,J.M.(2000).The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work:A Practical Guide from the Countrys Foremost Relationship Expert.Three Rivers Press.Murray,S.L.,&Holmes,J.G.(1997).A leap of faith?Positive illusions in romantic relationships.Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin,23,586-604.Schnarch,D.(1998).Passionate Marriage:Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships.Owl Books.Sternberg,R.J.&Barnes,M.L.(1989).The Psychology of Love.Yale University Press.Bibliography and Recommendations。